Broken

Our poor little Khloe's left femur is broken and I know you all are wondering how in the world did an 8 week old end up with a broken leg. On Wednesday afternoon when it was raining I returned home from an interview and went next door to Aunt Peggy's house to pick up the girls. As I was leaving with them I had Khloe in my arms and I stepped off of the porch, there was some mud there and as soon as my foot touched down it instantly slid out from under me. I fell but managed to hang on to Khloe and I caught her head making sure it did not hit the ground. Apparently her leg must have hit though, but I did not know it at the time.  She did not even cry,  she wasn't startled or anything she just looked at me after we fell.

Khloe was acting perfectly normal all that evening so I did not take her to the doctor to get checked out after the fall because she seemed perfectly fine. However last night she was crying a very shrill cry and it was so out of character for her, she wasn't bearing weight on her left leg when we would hold her up with her feet on the couch her leg would just start twitching. That was our first indication something was wrong with her leg, I laid her down and lifted her leg up, when I let it go she had no control of it going down it just flopped. So AJ and I took Brooklynn to Aunt Peggys and Khloe to Children's.

I have never been seen so quickly by Children's emergency dept. No sooner than we checked in they called us back to triage for vitals and they immediately sent us to the trauma unit. If you have never been to the trauma unit before I highly suggest you avoid it at all costs. The nurse warned us that the room was about to get very crowded but it did not prepare me for it. About ten doctors rushed into the room and start a head to toe check of Khloe shouting out medical terms that I have no clue what they mean. It was terrifying, I felt so helpless and terribly guilty. They sent us for xrays and then we waited for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally one of the doctors comes to our room and confirms that Khloe had a femur fracture and they would be sending in Ortho. All I could do was cry. To say I feel like the worst mom in the world does not even begin to cover how awful I feel. I hurt my poor innocent baby, I broke her leg. The guilt that consumes me is so powerful I can't fully describe it to you.

Khloe will be in her harness for probably 3-4 weeks, she's too young for a cast so this is our only option. She cries every time I move her, the only way I feel comfortable nursing her is with her laying by my side in the bed, and changing her diaper has turned into pure torture. Every time I look at this harness on her I just want to cry. I wish I could take away her pain. Seeing her cry with every movement makes me want to die. I HATE that I've done this to my baby and I hope one day she'll forgive me for it.

Failure

I feel like a failure as a mom. I am sitting here crying because there's just no hope anymore. Our landlord gave us till tomorrow to pay rent, we are $150 short. I have no way to come up with this money.
I haven't paid my phone bill for two months simply because I don't have any money for it because everything i have is going towards rent so now our phones are shut off. It will be $400 to get them turned back on. So if anything happens to any of us i cant even call for help now.
Also, the electric bill is due on the 7th that's another $200 we don't have so I'm assuming the electric will be shut off shortly after we don't pay this bill.

I was planning on going back to work this coming Monday but my manager hasn't "figured out a schedule" yet so I have no job for now, im still not getting anything from unemployment and haven't for a month now.
I have been applying to jobs nonstop, but guess what now I'll never know if I get a call back for an interview because my phone is off.
I feel like I am a failure as a mom. What am I going to do when the diapers we have right now run out? When the electric gets turned off? When we get evicted?  I wish there was someway I could make money but I don't know what to do. I can't make my manager let me come back to work. I can't magic my phone back on so I can hopefully get an interview for a new job. I can't do anything, except cry.
We need so many prayers right now because mine alone aren't doing the job so please pray for us.

Cardiology

Khloe had her first visit with the cardiologist at Children's yesterday. We started off with vitals and an EKG. We are happy to report that she is now 8 lbs 2 oz, which means she is getting enough to eat and gaining weight well and this is a very good thing because many babies with this type of heart defect have troubles with eating and therefore fail to gain weight. The cardiologist explained to us that Khloe has a hole in the upper part of her heart between the atria, but from what they can see there does not appear to be a hole between the ventricles. Her valves are affected as well though, basically since the heart didn't form fully there was no separation of the valve into two separate valves. She just has one large valve and it is leaking into her right atrium.

So, what does all this mean? Simply that her heart did not fully develop which caused the hole and only one leaky valve rather than two tight valves. Her oxygen rich blood and her oxygen poor blood is mixing in her heart which results in oxygen poor blood being sent out to the body. Also, blood is leaking back into her right atrium because of the valve.

However, since she is doing well and only mildly symptomatic at the current time we are able to put off surgery for a little while so that she has time to grow, which will make the repair easier for the surgeons. If she does begin showing more symptoms though they will do surgery sooner. As of now the only symptoms that we are consistently seeing is that she will turn blue around her mouth and nose, and her palms and feet turn purple.

My job right now is to keep her eating well and gaining weight while making sure to carefully monitor for symptoms of heart failure, when we see symptoms of heart failure that means it is time to go in and fix this right away because her heart has been working too hard and will stop if not repaired. The cardiologist told us to expect for surgery anytime between two months old to six months old, hopefully closer to the latter.

For now we will continue monitoring and keeping up with cardiology appointments until it is time to prepare for surgery. It is terrifying knowing that I am watching and waiting to show signs of heart failure. You never expect this kind of thing to happen to you. We all think that we are exempt from these types of things, but obviously that is not the case. How do you knowingly sit back and wait for your baby's heart to begin to fail so that they can do open heart surgery on her? I am worried that I will somehow miss the warning signs or not realize them until it is too late. I am scared to go back to work and leave her with someone other than me. I don't know how to handle the worries and fears that go along with this.

Please continue to pray for our family.
Thank you!

Desperation

First off let me say that I am embarrassed and ashamed to be sharing this but I'm desperate and need help.

We are not going to be able to afford our rent for July.  My unemployment has been cut off and AJ's job is so awful he's hardly getting and hours.  So I have absolutely no income coming in whatsoever and on a good week AJ's check will be $100. We were just barely able to scrape up enough money to pay June's rent but there is no hope for July.  We have tried everything to come up with the money to no avail. We have applied for rental assistance through multiple associations and none of them are helping us, I'm assuming because the funds just aren't there. 
So we are desperately asking for your help. We know that things are tight for many of us, but if you can spare $5 or $10 to help us out it would do so much for us. We have to come up with $650 to pay rent by July 1st. I am linking the gofundme page I had previously set up for Khloe and any donations we receive now through July 1st will go towards our rent.
Please consider helping our family during this desperate time.  We really need you all. Fortunately I will be returning to work mid July and things will get better after that;  we just have to make it that far.
If we do not pay rent for July our landlord will file for eviction and then we will have nowhere to go, my parents have already told me that we aren't able to stay at their house and all of AJ's family is in Florida.  Please help us from losing our home.
We are doing the absolute best we can to provide for Brooklynn and Khloe but we are at a point where we can't do it alone right now. 
If you could find it in your heart to help us we will be eternally grateful,  and as always please keep us in your prayers.

http://www.gofundme.com/8z4jk8

Birth Story

Ok, finally a few minutes of down time to fill everyone in on Khloe's exciting birth story!
We were scheduled for an induction on Friday the 30th at 8am but Khloe had other plans for us. Wednesday night at 11:30 I woke and had to use the restroom,  while getting out of bed my water broke. I wasn't entirely sure that's what it was though and I thought "Oh my gosh!! I just peed myself!!" Well i got all cleaned up and started having contractions, after a few contractions my water REALLY broke. You know, the whole gush of water like you see in the movies.
So I woke AJ and we took Brooklynn to Aunt Peggy and headed to the hospital. We arrived at Christ at 12:40 and after initial evaluation they admitted me because I was in active labor. The contractions were very intense and painful, all in my back so I decided that even though I had hoped to go unmediated I would be much better off with an epidural. I let my nurse know and she said they would call for it as soon as we finished admitting and got an iv placed.
Fast forward to 2:45, it's finally time for my epidural and the contractions have gotten unbearable.  The epidural is finally placed and they let me known it will take about 20 minutes or so for it to take effect. So I'm trying to pep talk myself, "20 minutes? You got this!!" Immediately after placing the epidural nurse checks and I'm 6cm. Not even 5 minutes later I am feeling the most incredible pressure ever.  I tell the nurse I HAVE to push! She checks me again and I'm 10cm and Khloe is crowning!!
One nurse called my doctor to tell her it's go time and the other paged the resident on call to come deliver. Thank God she was right down the hall because as soon as she walked in the room I started pushing.  2 pushes later Khloe was born at 3:06am. She weighed 7lbs 6oz and was 20.25 inches long.
Her labor was fast and hard, and I got the epidural placed for nothing because it didn't even have a chance to take effect. I felt absolutely everything and it was very painful, but I'm really proud of myself! I technically got my unmediated childbirth, not in the traditional way, but it happened nevertheless! 
Khloe was taken to the special care nursery for constant monitoring because of her heart and we are still waiting on official results of her cardiac evaluation. However, her cardiologist is pleased with how well she is doing so they are allowing her to be discharged today with me. We just have to be extra mindful and watch for certain things.  So far she is feeding really well and keeping her weight up.
Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers,  our journey is just beginning.

Unemployed?

As most of you know I have been working at Planet Fitness since November, when I informed them that I was pregnant they were completely on board with everything. My manager just wanted to know how long I planned to work, I told him that as long as I was able to I planned to work all the way up until delivery. They were happy with this and have told me on several occasions that when I do end up taking my leave that things will be crazy there. I have been praised countless times about how wonderful of an employee I am and that I am such an asset to the company, etc...

Well, apparently they have changed their views, I have been forced into taking leave early. They called me this morning and informed me that they feel it would be best for me, my baby and the company if I took my leave starting now so that I could rest and remain healthy. I have NEVER told them that I need rest, I have not taken days off of work, I have been late a few times due to appointments, but it has been very rare and never more than an hour late. Did I mention that this leave is unpaid? I am so furious and hurt by the actions of my employer.

You also may have noticed recently that we have been looking for a new place to live because we have to be out of our home by May 30th. I am beyond stressed and worried at this point. I have been the sole support for our family for a while now, which has led to a severe dent in our savings account. AJ has recently found work, but he isn't guaranteed full time hours and so far hasn't been getting 40 hours, but at this point something is better than nothing, but he is still searching for something better. We are at our wits end. We don't know what to do or how to do it. Khloe could come at any time, if she isn't here within the next 3 weeks then they will be inducing me for medical reasons.

How are we going to provide a home for ourselves, Brooklynn and Khloe when she comes? How could my job completely screw me over like this? How are we supposed to move forward when every time things start to look up we get knocked right back down again? Does anyone know of anything that can help us out?

I am reaching out to you all because I don't know what else to do. We are doing everything we can, but we just don't know what else to do at this point. I am pretty much at my breaking point and I think AJ is getting to his as well. Anyone who has advice, resources, info of any kind is greatly appreciated, and prayers as always.

Thanks Everyone!

Ups and Downs

Since receiving a diagnosis from the cardiologist there have been many ups and downs that we've gone through as a family.
We've had the worries of the unknown, having to wait until Khloe is born to know what will happen and when, not knowing if she will have down syndrome or if she will be developmentally on track; just to name a few. The stress of it all is unbearable at times and I wondered how we would make it through everything. I've worried and played out so many scenarios in my mind as to how things could go.
However after weeks of waiting we've finally gotten our tests results back and there's no indication of any trisomies, while there is a 3% margin for error it appears to be safe to say that Khloe does not have down syndrome! 
I am considering this a small victory because honestly the thought of raising a child with down syndrome was even more terrifying than facing surgery. I wouldn't have known how to do it. I am amazed by moms who are able to raise children with disabilities,  I just truly feared that I wouldn't have been able to do it.
For now the waiting game will continue until she is born.

In the meantime I am now awaiting a biophysical profile to make sure that the placenta is still attached because the results from testing after my fall on friday revealed a bleed which could indicate a placental abrubtion. I have this scheduled for Thursday afternoon so keep us in your thoughts and prayers please.

48 Hours

Ok everyone I am new to the whole blogging thing so bear with me as I try and figure all this out. I promise I will work out the kinks as we go.
I'm sure many of you are anxiously awaiting to hear about Khloe's diagnosis and what the future has in store for her so I will do my best to summarize how my whole world changed in 48 hours...

Beginning at my 20 week anatomy ultrasound for Khloe they were able to get all measurements excpet for the heart, the ultrasound tech was unable to see all four chambers. My doctor didn't seem concerned,just said sometimes the baby makes it difficult, we'll repeat the ultrasound in a few weeks. We repeat at 27 weeks and she is still unable to see all four chambers so my doctor referred me to the perinatal center at Christ hospital for a Level 2 ultrasound.
I attend the level 2 ultrasound and as soon as I see the tech put an arrow pointing to something in the heart on one of the picture I knew something wasn't right. After she finished getting the pictures she needed they brought the doctor in and he told me that Khloe has a hole in her heart so he would be referring me to a cardiologist at Children's.
All this time I am thinking about all the stories I've heard about babies having holes in their hearts but they correct themselves on their own and everything turns out fine. I assumed this is what is going on with Khloe and don't really get myself too worked up, boy was I wrong.
After the fetal echo the doctor comes in and tell me in his first sentence that this is not one of those holes that will close on it's own, but rather one that will require surgery; BOOM! my whole world just came crashing down around me...

Khloe has an Atrioventricular Canal Defect. She has at least one hole in her heart and underdeveloped valves. The diagnosis could get worse after birth.. they weren't able to see her whole heart as clearly during the fetal echo so we won't know the full diagnosis until birth.
There are two types of AV canal defects: Partial and complete.
Partial- One hole and valve affected
Complete- All parts of the heart affected
Essentially this defect allows oxygen poor blood and oxygen rich blood to mix within the heart, it overworks both the lungs and heart in the process. The symptoms of AV canal defect include: Difficulty breathing, poor weight gain, blueish color of the lips and skin, failure to thrive.. all of which lead up to heart failure.

Khloe will have to have life saving, open heart surgery. We don't know the timing of this surgery yet and will not know until we get the final diagnosis after birth, right now we play the waiting game which is absolute torture to me.

Finally, AV canal defect is highly found in babies with chromosomal abnormalities. So it is highly likely that Khloe will have Down Syndrome as well. I won't be able to find out more about this until I go to the doctor again, which is on the 27th.

So in 48 hours I went from thinking we were going to have a healthy baby girl to knowing that she will have to have open heart surgery to save her life. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this and everyday I think of something else to worry about. I do not know how we are going to face all of this, what I am going to do about going back to work after she arrives, or how we are going to afford all of the care that she will need. My head has a million thoughts flying around in it and I am doing my best to just make it through the day.

I apologize if this was a rambling mess, I will get better and more organized at sharing Khloe's progress with you all. In the mean time bear with me, this is a whole new process for all of us.

Thank you all for the thought, prayers and kind words, we are just starting this journey and have a long road ahead of us.